Hugo 3D = A Cinematic History Lesson for 'Those Kids Today'

This is definitely a 'children's movie for adults'.  I like how Scorcese is branching out into film genres other than 'mafia' lately, like horror/thriller with 'Shutter Island' and kids/fantasy with 'Hugo'  I could not figure out how a movie that is set in Paris in old-timey days, heavily features the Eiffel Tower and the Parisian lifestyle, could use an almost all British cast, speaking in various English accents, even the American girl (Chloe Moretz) went British for a film entirely set in PARIS, FRANCE!!!

 This drove me insane from the start, as well as the dumbass straight couple that thought they were seeing 'Dumb & Dumber 5' and felt obligated to preach their ADD/boredom through the entire second half of the  movie (probably because no character had farted yet and that is all they know how to respond to courtesy of Eddie Murphy).  Also the gay couple behind me that thought making a 'sassy remark' after every scene would induce the Sunday night audience of 12 people into fits of hysterical laughter, totally failed.  Guess what, this movie is not a comedy! It's pretty depressing actually.  Also it's a public movie theater, not your living room couch, or the set of 'Will & Grace' so you should kindly SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP!

As for Hugo 3D, I get it.  It's Martin Scorcese's love-letter to the art and history of cinema as well as imagination, creativity and possibility wrapped up in a movie specifically for adults to reminisce.  It's ok, but unfortunately dumbass audiences of today can only process 'duuurrrr this is happy' or 'duuurrrrr this is sad' so if they see a movie like this, their mini-brains cannot compute anything and they go punch and/or shoot an inferior object like a cat or a house plant and rant until the next Chipmunk movie comes out.

The Muppets = It's Not Easy Being Funny

This movie had so much hype and marketing but only cuz Disney bought The Muppets years ago (around the same time they bought Winnie the Pooh i think) and they can market the shit out of the opening of a plastic bag and make us line up to see it at midnight in 3D.  I figured it would be fun and nostalgic but I was kinda disappointed.  Jason Segal & Amy Adams were good but in the end, the script didn't give many Muppet jokes or entertaining scenes.  The songs are great, and they pay lots of homage to the old school Muppet Show but overall this movie left me wanting more.  There are classic songs and new ones like this, which is definitely the best scene & song of the entire movie: (this is an edited version, not theatrical)

Probably because Bret McKenzie (Flight of the Concords) wrote it and whoever called on him for this movie is a genius.  His music/lyrical style suits the Muppets style and balance of humor and heart perfectly.  I expected a lot more overall though.  They spend too much time on the whole 'getting the gang back together' premise and some other sad, sappy scenes and then expect a few weak jokes once in a while to keep it fun.  But those jokes fall flat most of the time and everything is supposed to build up to this Telethon show that isn't so great so you just feel kind of deflated over the whole thing.  I mean there are 1 hour episodes of 'The Muppet Show' that are hysterical, so just cuz it's a new era, doesn't mean we forgot how funny they were.  Kudos to the studio banking on Jason Segal to quarterback a lot of this though, it's good, I liked it, it's way better than most of the garbage movies they try and sell kids today, but I'm an old school fan, raised on Muppets so my bar was set pretty high.  I also have insider scoop that Lady Gaga was booked to do a scene for the finale but the outdoor shoot got rained out that day and they had to postpone to a later date which conflicted with her schedule and it got scrapped.  Would've been cool, since she wore a Kermit dress and brought Kermit as her date to the MTV VMA's a couple years ago so she's obviously a fan.

Here is my favorite song of the Muppets/John Denver album, used to listen to on repeat:

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark = Be Afraid Of No Plot

There IS a plot, but it's full of so many holes you might get a general idea of what's going on, just ignore anything like details or continuity, that stuff.  It doesn't help that the theater I went to is using the new-school 3D projection which causes everything else they project to show up super dark, which most people wouldn't notice.  But I realized there was no way I could complain to the manager that a movie called 'Don't Be Afraid of the Dark' was 'too dark!', and I was 1 of 3 people in the theater, so I weighed that con against the pros (no kids) and let it slide.

Loves me a spooky haunted house movie though!  Good balance of suspense & scares, the fairy/goblins were creepy and violent so they kept the pace going (ps. they are the exact same thing as the 'tooth fairies' in Hellboy 2, just without wings, so they get ghetto points for recycling cgi effects on this one).  The scenarios get kind of repetitive though (stop putting the girl to bed with a night light and a teddy bear when she keeps warning you of all the crazy shit that goes down afterwards!)  Regardless, it was ok, like 'oh it's Saturday afternoon and it's raining and I don't feel like doing anything and this movie just started on Lifetime, and screw taking a shower today or dealing with anyone, I'm just gonna chill the fuck out and watch Katie Holmes deal with some little goblins and do nothing all day', but I expected way more on the creepy/scary scale from Guillermo Del Toro.  Now I'm more interested in seeing the original TV movie that freaked HIM out so much he felt so compelled to remake it. (He didn't direct, just produced, and this release got pushed back a lot of months so that always means problems).

Immortals : Warrior Eye Candy

We've all seen 'The Cell', we've all seen '300'.  'Immortals' is the mashup (director & producers actually).  It has it's moments, good & bad, as in looks good, sounds bad.  Tarsem's style is fun to look at, and the action scenes were really like nothing I've seen before.  But anytime Stephen Dorff spoke I lol'd, cuz the screenplay was pretty dumb (see: "I am a thief...and I will steal your heart") seriously?! These moments felt like I was watching a high school play where they cast the jocks as warriors just because they look the part and they needed to fulfill some creative arts credits, but they just sound stupid & cheapen the whole production.  '300' pulled it off, and 'Immortals' is right up there (while 'Clash of the Titans is trailing, big time). The battle scenes are especially cool (see: dudes getting chopped in half and exploding in slow-motion 3D, kind of amazing), but there are far too many boring-ass, drawn-out dialogue scenes (see: Mickey Rooney chewing on bones, Oracles giving over-dramatic monologues, etc) which kills the pacing of this movie. 'Immortals' is better overall, than 'Clash of the Titans' remake, but could have been way better with some good editing.  'Wrath of the Titans' is coming out next year, so maybe an 'Immortals' sequal will follow to compete?

Hey Y'all!

Welcome to 'BRETTFLIX'!!! I have an epic archive of movie reviews HERE & HERE which is where all this got started.  Now, by popular demand, I am starting this new site to host my ranting movie/tv/music/pop-culture reviews, or anything else.  I hope this shit is mobile phone compatible.  Let's do it!